ass to mouth action - euro style...

The Human Centipede
Starring: Akihiro Kitamura, Dieter Laser, Andreas Leupold
Director: Tom Six
Rating: *** and a half (out of 5)

Summary: A mad German doctor, a specialist in separating siamese twins, decides to create a "human centipede" out of three unfortunates he has drugged and abducted. His methods are slightly unorthodox - probably because he has a fascination of fusing said abductees together ass to mouth...and it's 100% medically accurate!

It may seem weird that i'm writing about a movie I saw almost 9 months ago at the London Frightfest. A film that hasn't been released anywhere apart from "the circuit"and still hasn't been seen on the shelves of your local Blockbuster or the obscure depths of Lovefilm, but as my mother used to say as she cradled me in her arms - even the ugly ones need love.

I had a good idea of what The Human Centipede was about before going into the screening but that's part of the fun with a film like this - I was teetering on the edge of mount grotesque and ready for that funny feeling in my stomach before my popcorn creeps back up my oesophagus. How happy I was that Mr.Butterkist didn't pay me a visit.

You see The Human Centipede is a tease. A filthy, depraved, morally corrupt tease but a tease none the less and it's because of this teasing that the film was so fun rather than the expected endurance test.

Director and writer Tom Six injects a rich vein of black humour into the proceedings and doesn't go over the top with the guts and gore, only showing suggestive shots of procedures being drawn crudely on a whiteboard and the expressions on the faces of the victims when the inevitable call of nature rears it's ugly head. Like all the best horrors, its what you don't see.

A special mention must go to the actors. Accepting this film takes a certain type of person, or maybe a certain level of desperation, but they all give convincing and at times heartbreaking performances. Especially Dieter Laser as Dr.Heiter, its as if he managed to fuse Herr Flick from Allo Allo with Bela Lugosi - exuding a level of dark camp not seen before and probably never again.

As you can tell from the summary, The Human Centipede is unlike anything you've seen on a cinema screen, and if you have seen it anywhere then it would have been on the most obscure of European "educational" websites. It shouldn't work, it's two girls, one cup with higher production values and the cup replaced with a japanese guy, but it has a dark, sardonic wit which is a winning formula.

If you ever get the chance to see it, take the chance and I promise you won't be disappointed.

An impotent Valentine's Day...

Valentines Day
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner,
Director: Garry Marshall
Rating: ** (out of 5)

Summary: The intertwining stories of couples in Los Angeles over Valentines Day...

Since Sonofkermode does not believe in Valentines Day (especially if it includes seeing a movie from the director of Pretty Woman) I thought I would celebrate with a girlfriend. So off I went to Wandsworth cinema, bag of sweets in one hand, happy glow of anticipation for 2 hours of sentimental drivel in the other. My expectations were not very high but I did expect to be at least entertained. How wrong I was.

The plot is structured very much the same as 'He's Just Not That Into You' i.e. many stories running simultaneously with two central characters linking them altogether. These two leads are played by Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner and in my opinion Ashton is not a good enough actor to carry a film. He proved my theory correct many times over as the unbelievable love stricken lead - he just didn't seem that bothered about anything.

I liked 'He's Just Not That Into You' because I liked the characters and their stories, in this I didn't care about their story or what happened to them. None of them had any heart or soul.

My favourite character (Not that I could tell you her name!) was played by Julia Roberts but since she was probably only on screen for no more than 30 minutes, that might be the key factor in my favouritism. It was like being given a big chocolate heart and realising that it was a year out of date. You know it's tasteless and not good for you but your probably going to eat it anyway.

I wouldn't pay money to see this film but in 3 to 4 years time when it's premiering on ITV2 and I happen to be watching TV, it's cold outside and there is definitely NOTHING else on I'll probably give it another.

Love Mrs.Sonofkermode

Prophet a loss?

A Prophet
Starring: Tahar Rahim, Niels Arestrup, Adel Bencherif
Director: Jacques Audiard
Rating: ** (out of 5)

Summary: A young Arab man goes to prison and finds out the hard way about the heirarchy of life behind bars. Caught between the turf wars of the Corsican and Middle Eastern prisoners, he must use all his wits and charm to work his way to the top.

Its french, its 3 hours long, it has a plot as hard to follow as Jason Bourne in a Russian taxi cab and its the best crime thriller since Goodfellas (apparently). Let me introduce A Prophet, the proverbial film critics jizz rag.

This isn't a backlash for backlash's sake - i'm simply annoyed. I believed them all. All the critics that wrote superlative after superlative about A Prophet. This isn't the second coming of the gangster genre, if you want that you should watch the epic Mesrine, which is a film that has the decency to split its running time over two films.

It's not a total waste of 1500 feet of celluloid. With its close camera work and overcrowded frames, you really feel the claustrophobic and horrific atmosphere that must permeate the walls of prison and the acting of Tahar Rahim is second to none. However, The Godfather - which A Prophet has been likened to - had a cast of support characters that demanded your attention and that is lacking here, with the supporting players merely underwritten cliches that fall into the background too easily.

As you can tell, A Prophet just didn't do it for me. The film is baggy, becomes incomprehensible once Rahim's Machiavellian rise to the top begins and it wallows in the stench of criminality it so readily judges.

Within and hour and a half I was checking my watch - and I don't even wear one. No doubt it will have recieved its gold plated glory once the awards season is over but it certainly won't deserve a single carot of it.

Brothers in arms

Brothers
Starring: Tobey Maquire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, Sam Shepard, Carey Mulligan
Director: Jim Sheridan
Rating: **** (out of 5)

Summary: Ex con Tommy (Jake Gyllenhaal), sees his revered brother Sam (Tobey Maguire) go off to war in Afghanistan, whilst he stays at home and suffers the mental abuse of his father (Sam Shepard) and the scorn of Sam's wife (Natalie Portman).

I was initially apprehensive about seeing Brothers, the remake to the highly acclaimed Danish film. Not because of my undying love for the original (a film i'm now keen to take a look at) but because a) Mrs.Sonofkermode was very keen to see it, with tissues ready before the Orange Danny Glover ad had even finished and b) It was an early Sunday morning, a time of day more akin to sleep and cookery shows than Hollywood melodrama.

Imagine my surprise when despite the half shut eyes, awful trailers (seriously, when did "from the producers of 27 Dresses" become a seal of approval?) and disappointing pic "n" mix, Brothers held my attention from start to finish.

Director Jim Sheridan allows the relationships to simmer and drive the narrative and in turn gets fantastic perfomances from all three leads. Tobey Maquire, though admittedly the more emotionally volatile, never falls into the realm of histronics or over the top physical movement. Macquire is wound up, rigid and straight as a board but exudes fear and sadness with one wide-eyed stare.

In turn, Portman and Gyllenhaal do well with their evolving relationship. Showing contempt, admiration and burgeoning romance in convincing, equal measure. In fact, far from Portman's glamour distracting from her performance it actually adds a bittersweet edge to her character. She's the college sweetheart, the girl everyone fell in love with at school but now finds herself widowed in a dead end situation.

Some critics have called Brothers an unbelievable old style Hollywood melodrama, but what's wrong with that every now and again. There are some plot devices that can be described as slightly far-fetched and Sheridan is so understated in his direction that he adds an out of place decorating montage seemingly to wake himself up, but Brothers shows that the next generation of A list talent isn't confined to just selling tabloid newspapers and magazines. Maquire, Portman and Gyllenhaal deserve the adulation inevitably heading their way.

Update...

Apologies for the lack of activity on the blog. What can i say, a combination of full time work, an addiction to championship manager and just plain laziness has seen a drop off in my visits to the cinema - but fret not.
This weekend will see a return of the bumper triple bill at the local Cineworld, and even the beautiful Mrs.Sonofkermode will be getting involved in the action with her views on the unwatchable "Valentines Day".

So lots to look forward to! Just keep the faith...