This week in film

There are many websites out there which have rumours, scoops and over inflated egos writing self important reviews so I thought I would be a kind movie blogger and condense all the hot air into one, easy to read Hollywood bottom burp.

This week has seen the opening of the Cannes Film Festival. An event which pits the low budget producer looking for a distribution deal against the yacht owning elite of tinseltown bastardry and the insomnia slapping pretension of the "Official Selection" films. This haven of bad taste, vast sums of money, lack of inhibitions and lack of self worth, even has the audacity of plugging films that haven't happened yet and according to the star are "99%" certain never too

Initial reports say Rambo will be combating a Mexican sex slave ring. I think another plot point is that Rambo contracts angry sperm syndrome. This is where the sperm are so angry and roid raged, that during the mission to fertilise the egg they maim and kill each other before they even reach the promised land. John Rambo is an angry spermed, steroid ridden freak and Rambo V sees him at the age of 70, impotently jerk his "gun" at horny Mexicans.

Iron Man 2 made $133 million at the US Box Office this week. Even though the film is only mildly entertaining, contains an Iron Man dance scene and a annonying tendency to contain no plot twists that mean Scarlett Johansson's top falls off. This time last year Star Trek opened with half that gross, which means the sequel will require Captain Kirk and Spock to have a sexually insipid dance off with potato headed aliens if it is to stand any chance of breaking even.

A few years back Quentin Tarantino and his best friend Robert Rodriguez released the double bill B movie extravaganza Grindhouse. A homage to the bad taste, low budget gorefest's of the 1970s, the film was split into two seperate movies and connected via a series of fake trailers directed by the likes of Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead) and Rob Zombie (the underrated Halloween remake). Well it now seems as if the fake trailers were so popular that the fake movies are getting made. Or not. I'm confused. So below is the real trailer for a real film based on a fake trailer for a fake film that you never meant to see.

It stars human Halloween mask Danny Trejo and Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun. She must be referencing the number of high profile film scripts she's recently optioned. None.